Quiz Time

Well, it has finally happened: I officially strayed this week to the point of no return. Was it...

a)...the cake? No exaggeration - I ate chocolate, vanilla, walnut, brownies, burnt, blueberry, lemon, and ice cream cake this week. Burnt? You say? Yes - I unsuccessfully made cupcakes for my upcoming party, but did not throw them out. Instead, Adam and I have been nibbling away at the good parts.

b)...the lack of exercise? Only went to the gym twice this week, and haven't walked since Tuesday.

c)...the margaritas? With extra strong tequila?

d)...all of the above??

I think you know the answer.

However, it is Sunday morning, and I have a renewed sense of purpose in this weight loss thing. I returned to my old habits last week, and I realized that I am not ready yet. For the last few weeks, I have been very happy that I managed to achieve half my goal, but the fact is I still do not fit into the range on those blasted charts which tell me how much I should weigh. I do not ever remember fitting into the range on those charts. Quitting now will only make me have to start ALL OVER again. Again. (I have been attempting to reverse my natural cake consuming character unsuccessfully for years...)

You know, I blame the cake for my plateau, and that certainly has had its affect, but the real reason is that I have been HAPPY with myself. It is an extremely bitter catch-22. (At least in my experience), one must feel BAD about oneself before making a lifestyle change. To achieve motivation, I have to look at my lumpy legs and extended belly, or try on clothes of a size I wish would fit. Now how poopy is that?

Well, I am going to try something new - be happy with myself, and strive to change. Is it possible??? We shall see.

Thoughts

Once upon a time, a certain lady we all know was blessed with jury duty on one of the hottest days of the year. "Yay!", she thought, "No office clothes for me today!" She listened carefully to the pre-recorded message telling her what sort of dress was acceptable (no jeans or tee-shirts), and chose a respectable pair of khaki shorts and a nice sleeveless shirt. Alas, at the check-in she was told her dress was "inappropriate" - her shorts offensive, and "her belly hanging out". In shame, she was forced to call home for a pair of pants as the man behind her (wearing jeans and a flannel shirt) was waved ahead.

Of course, this heroine was me. I was very upset when this heavy woman pointed out my belly as if I had displayed it purposely. While I have always felt overweight, I had never felt fat. Well, not portly fat anyway. Ultimately, I began to lose weight...six months later. (On a side note, it was also the day I realized a man must be given detailed instructions when he is expected to pick out pants for his loved one.)

During those six months I started feeling that I looked huge in photographs, I was unable to squeeze into my own clothes, I hated to see my reflection in store windows, and I developed an acute awareness of furniture creaking in my presence. I tried desperately to eat less, but continually thought of food. The negative thoughts were making me crazy!!

Suddenly, I had a new thought:

Realizing that cupcakes will be eaten and making choices to allow for the calorie splurge allow one to be healthy and human. Finding fun ways to be more active makes one look forward to working out rather than forcing movement. It wasn't until I began thinking positively that my body started to cooperate with my brain. Small, easily achieved goals that ultimately lead to a healthy lifestyle are key to losing weight.

Motivation

Oh yeah baby, that's just what I'm talking about. I started reading "The Dorm Room Diet" today, but I needed only to read the introduction in order to find that negative motivation I so desperately need. First off, this book could have been written by me, as the author described her childhood and teenage years as if they were pulled from my own diaries. (Side note: Did anyone see that movie about the number 23? I was slightly worried that the girl would murder her room mate in the end...) Anyway, she drones on for a few pages about how she was always overweight (though I question how she remembers being overweight at age 2.) I too, have always been overweight. I remember in 2nd or 3rd grade gym class when we were building a human pyramid (probably not allowed these days). I was the only girl on the bottom - the teacher said I had "broad shoulders." The author of the book related a few similar stories, blah, blah, blah, and then said that at her fattest she was my exact height and weight. Yes, my current weight - after losing 10 lbs.
Honestly, I'd like to see a picture, because I personally think people would be surprised to learn how much I weigh. Most of the weight is in my "nether" regions - the legs and the gigantic butt - which are luckily areas that can be disguised by baggy clothing. Or perhaps it is only me that can't see this extra poundage since I rarely look at my backside in a mirror. I am only hoping that this girl carried all her weight up top and that I actually look like a super model in comparison. Because this is a little too much negativity.

Me on a Diet

For the past two weeks, I started to become a bit too happy with myself. As you, constant reader, probably know, I need some negativity for motivation. I NEED to feel lumpy and overweight so I can convince myself NOT to eat the pie in the fridge. This unsolicited happiness is the result of my trip to the doctor where I found out I had lost 10 lbs, and seeing friends and family whom I hadn't seen since the winter when I was still carrying the extra weight. Many have noticed my successes, including "sort of strangers". I look better, I feel better, and....I realize that I am losing interest in the diet.
HOWEVER - I still haven't met my goal of being within the normal weight range for my height. What to do? The answer: a book. I may have neglected to mention this, but I was originally inspired by a book called "You: On a Diet" which stressed that the body's reaction to fewer calories and more exercise will vary from person to person. It encouraged me to adopt my current philosophy: "Do the best you can with what you got." I knew at the time that I was not doing the best I could due to the lack of gym time, and the unabashed consumption of free brownies whenever they presented themselves.
Today, I actually bought two books on a very extra long walk to the bookstore. One was geared towards college students and written by the daughter of the "You" book, so I bought it for my sister (who, duh!, is in college). Knowing I will see her in a few weeks time, I decided to read this one quickly before I give it to her. Hopefully, it gives me the motivation I am looking for...