Sunday, March 30, 2008

Feeling FAT

I recently went to the government sponsored "My Pyramid" site and entered my age, weight, and height. Big mistake. This is the message which greeted me as I innocently clicked "submit":
"The weight you entered is above the healthy range for your height. This may increase your risk for health problems. Some people who are overweight should consider a weight loss program..." It goes on to provide "helpful" links for weight loss, not realizing that it has just insulted me. You said it Snoopy. Suddenly I feel very fat.

Here are some other things that make me feel fat:

1. Going shopping for jeans. Unlike you lucky men out there, it is not as simple as remembering a few key measurements for us women. Women must try to squeeze into literally 20 pairs of jeans, and usually end up buying a pair that doesn't fit anyway. Perhaps you have wondered why many women look as though they have painted their pants on - it's because the thought of going out there for a day and trying to find a bigger pair requires several days of preparation and a few stiff drinks, and this is after admitting that indeed, a bigger pair is needed. Oprah says women should buy the size that fits. This sounds like rational advice, but I disagree. I have a limit in acceptable sizes, and I will go on several shopping trips to find the pair of jeans that meets all my standards - in price, in looks, and in a size that doesn't make me want to cry. But I feel very fat when I have a pair of jeans that should be my size, and I can't even pull them over my gigantic butt. And speaking of butts...

2. My gigantic butt. I swear, it appears to be in a different time zone. I walk through a tight corridor or turn a corner, and leave a trail of random trinkets which have been knocked from their perches by my bum. I have several figurines with superglued paws and chipped ears due to this phenomenon.

3. Dining rooms. Have you ever walked through a dining room and rattled every dish in the china cabinet with your giant steps? If not, you are presumably skinny. In my case, I feel like a ginormous cow stampeding through a house.

4. Eating "the whole thing". Many times I go to dinner with my very nice but annoyingly dainty friends who invariably ask for "the box" at restaurants. Not me. I am practically licking my plate clean even though I have just stuffed myself with enough food to feed an African family for a week. I rarely get dessert though. Does that gain me credits for self restraint?

5. Going to the doctor. I believe I have recently entered a tirade on my feelings about scales. But when at the doctor's, this embarrassment is unavoidable, and to make things worse, another person is present. And this person gives no credit for shoes and clothes. (I usually attribute at least 10 pounds to account for these items.) AND this person records the findings in a little chart for posterity. Really, it is just mean.

6. My extra large undies. My sister accidentally purchased extra large underwear which cannot be returned, and rather than try them on herself, she gave them to me. So sweet. They fit ok. See what I mean about acceptable sizes?? I do not want to be an extra large!! It has taken years for me to be comfortable with the large, and now I have to add an X in front of it? If I ever need to buy underwear in the future, I'll be getting the X-free type. But I am sad to admit, those rouge pairs in my drawer are pretty comfy. They probably shrink when you wash them...

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