Pole Dancing: Level 1

Beginner Pole Dancing was a snap. With relative ease, my sister and I had mastered the “sexy walk” and several of its sexy counterparts. The web site had claimed that the class would be a workout, but it was not strenuous enough for me to put it on my diet sheet as a negative calorie activity. I desperately need negative calorie activities, because my positive calories are getting a bit out of control. So, without further ado, we attempted “Pole Dancing: Level 1”.

The Level 1 class began with a short refresher on “sexy walking” and moved right on to “sexy slides”. We had learned a sexy slide in the beginner class, but it turns out there are many variations. Unfortunately, I do not remember the terminology, and though I assume everything is sexy, I have attributed the following names myself. (I figure you may wish to know this so as not to embarrass yourself when discussing career moves with your local pole dancing representative.)

Slide #1: The “Kinky Kick”: Position yourself with back to pole, gripping above the head with one hand and behind the back with the other. Gracefully point your toe, and slide your foot up the other leg’s shin to the knee. Then gracefully straighten your pointed toe leg, and lift it as high as possible. Repeat two more times, then, with leg still extended, release your grip on the pole enough to slide to the floor.

Slide #2: The "Slip N' Slide": This is really just a simple slide down the pole, one leg out in front, and the other just bending at the knee. Our instructor had a way of making it graceful, almost accidental, like "Oops, did I just sexily land myself on the floor? I better writhe around a little bit and get back up."

I am becoming a pro at slides.

But then we moved on to "Sexy Spins". A little background for the few of my Constant Readers who have not had the privilege of watching me vomit - and before you recoil in disgust, note that I have actually puked on a few of you, so count your blessings if you are a mere observer: I do not bode well with certain amusement park rides. Most notably, the "Tilt a Whirl" (or Tilt A Hurl), and the aptly named "Hell Hole" have left me incapacitated for hours. So, while our instructor demonstrated various ways to gracefully grip the pole and rotate around it, my sister and I flung ourselves at the pole in order to gain momentum with little actual strength. We zipped quickly around the pole at hyper-speeds. While our instructor conveyed a deliberate, "Look at me, I'm so hot and beautiful" kind of message, I conveyed more of a "Holy crap! I better hold on to this pole so as not to fly off of it!" kind of message. And I felt lunch returning for a second go-around. Very un-sexy.

Next, we again attempted a few body lifts on the pole. I succeeded in a slight hop, and I did not manage to lift myself at all. Our instructor hops up on the pole, and flips herself upside down. She does some sexy things with her legs, slides part way down, and then rights herself before sliding sexily to the ground. My sister and I look at one another. Ummm...are we still in the Level 1 Class?