Friday, July 30, 2010

Farewell Old Friend

When I signed over the old car care of my uncle's dealership, I gave the salesman a complete folder containing almost every service record which was lovingly preserved.  I began to tell him about the anti-lock brakes, which I never fixed - but he cut me off.  He told me it didn't matter, because the car was going to "death row."

Death row?

I was just a little tired of $600 bills, I didn't want it to go to "death row"!

I emailed Uncle Tim:

ME:  Uncle Tim, My old car won’t be sent to “death row”, will it?  I was thinking maybe a nice pasture where it could romp around with the other Cavaliers until it rests in peace?

HIM:   It will continue its life as a productive member of the transportation community. The adoption agency (auction) will place it with a new foster family. After some nursing back to full health it will go to a permanent home.

Ahh, thank goodness.

Farwell Old Friend!*

  * Sorry about the potholes.  And the poor parallel parking.  And never cleaning you.  You served me well!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Trial and Error

That Darn Cat!  I was so excited to tell y'all about my new car, and she went and let the cat out of the bag.  Ah, well, se es la vie.

The car is totally awesome and I love love love the hatchback and the cute rear wind shield wiper.  Do not ask me about gas mileage or safety features.  But I can tell you the cup holders are conveniently located, it has cruise control, and the radio works pretty well.

Naturally, the first thing I did was sit down and read the owner's manual front to back.


Instead, I have been pressing random buttons in futile attempts to do something.  I tried cruise control, but have so far managed only to light up a "cruise" light on the dashboard.  The light gives the appearance that speed regulation is occurring, but the needle going slowly and steadily down after my foot is disengaged from the gas pedal seems to imply otherwise.  I messed around with the wind shield wipers (including cutie in the back!) and tried to clean the window.  I was convinced the washer fluid container was empty, so I searched for the hood release.  After accidentally removing the fuse box lid, I figured I should maybe peruse the manual.  Hood up (hydraulic!) and fluid full.  Hmmm...back to manual.  Oh! So that's how you do it!

This morning, my friend wanted to know how I liked the car.  Nice, I said, but so smooth.  Normally, I attempt to miss potholes (I swear!) and pretty much hit every one.  But this car runs so smooth, I can hardly feel potholes.  Perhaps I have finally managed to avoid them?  I think not...I told her it was so smooth I couldn't even tell how fast I was going.

At lunch, I put the key in the door to unlock it and --- WHA! WHA! WHA! WHA! WHA!  AWEEEOAWEEEOAWEEO!  Shit!  After slight heart attack I began mashing buttons on the little button thingie.  Thankfully, they all stop the beeping.  So.  The car has an alarm.  And it goes off when you use the key in the door.  I filed that little gem away for future reference, but I am sure I will forget at the most inopportune time, like when I am late for a funeral and everyone has just bowed their heads for a moment of silence.  (I apologize in advance.  I just never had one o' these button pushin' thingies.)

Also?  I have never had power windows.  I have awful memories of my parent's minivan with non-working power windows.  The driver side one got stuck permanently down, in winter.  Driving in 36 degree sleet is really not fun with the window all the way down.  Then, my dad got some plexiglass and affixed it in the opening, but it was summer by that time, and I probably don't have to tell you the AC didn't work either.  So, I have boycotted power windows.  Who needs em?  But unfortunately, I found power locks  to be a necessity since I have had four doors to worry about and power locks don't come without power windows.  So, every time I have stopped the car, I have had to put the key back in the ignition switch, and power up the friggin windows.

On the way home, it was smooooth sailing.  Until I met up with an unmarked police vehicle in the opposite lane.  He kindly flashed his lights and motioned for me to turn into a street on the right, and I figured there might be an accident ahead but I didn't know this detour.  And then the guy follows me in, and I think maybe he is pulling me over.  Apparently, I was going 53 in a 35 mile an hour zone.  I didn't have to feign surprise because I was honestly shocked.  Luckily, I had the paperwork to prove my claim (Seriously officer, I just bought this car yesterday!) and he let me off with a warning.

So...sure, I could read the manual.  But where is the adventure in that?

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Wastes of Money

This Message Brought to You by Daisy the Cat:

Shhhh....I'm blogging in secret.  But I don't think Nicki will find out, 'cause she's been really really busy and she hardly ever sits at the computer any more.  So I figure I have free reign to rant about a few things that have been bugging me.

You see, all I wanna do is go outside, run around in the neighbor's garage for a bit, then eat the other neighbor's landscaping.  After that, I really wanna check out the big pigeon coop across the street.  Apparently, that is too much to ask.

So, I never get to go out, and even though Nicki said she might buy me this totally awesome cat carnival, she has been spending her money on other things.

Like, she has been on the phone with all these dirty guys with cement all over their jeans, and they say they're gonna build a place INSIDE the house to put fire!  Isn't that crazy?  Why would anyone bring FIRE into the house!  I actually don't mind when those guys come over, though, because it gives me a chance to sneak sneak sneak outside, and Nicki is too busy looking at bricks to notice me.  Still, this fire business is gonna require way more money than my cat carnival, yet she doesn't seem to bat an eye.

And then there are all these vegetables.  Ewww.  It seems to totally consume Nicki, and she spends all this time in the kitchen trying to cook stuff so she can use them up.  Again, I say it's a complete waste of money.  Why buy vegetables, when you could buy meat?  Or cat carnivals?

But today, she went and bought the craziest thing ever:

She bought a new car!  Now, I don't know much, but I think a certain cat carnival would cost a LOT less.  This is the last straw!  But...shhh!  I have a plan.  You see, this car is WHITE.  And the inside is WHITE.  And lets just say, the next time she takes me to the vet?  Well, I won't give it away.  But I have a plan.

And one of these days, maybe she will let me out.  (I only hope maybe I will be let back in.)