Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Love Thy Booty

I'm in that blissful stage between exercising for the first time in like, months, and the realization that I have possibly pulled every muscle in my body. I blame this on the Girl Scouts.

Allow me to back up, if I may, because truly, the Girl Scouts are not entirely to blame. You see, last week, two children, on two separate occasions, ran into my ass. Unfortunately, this phenomenon has been observed before. I am not sure why, exactly, this happens. I believe it is a combination of my over sized bum, which apparently projects beyond a typical backside, and the generally unobservant nature of children.

I know you must be thinking, "Surely more children have managed to avoid your ass over the years than those who plow into it."

To which I reply, "Yes, but I still think two times in one week is too many (and don't call me Shirley)." And also? One of those times was on the beach, and I was self conscious to begin with. I am certain the face plant in my posterior wasn't so pleasant either, though the little girl merely said she was sorry as she bounced off and began galloping in a slightly different direction.

I resolved to do something about soon as the Creme Brulee Cheese Cake was eaten.

What? You wouldn't want to see it go to waste!


Fast forward a few days to yesterday, when I returned to the gym after a long absence. I huffed and puffed through a workout that used to be easy, and afterward I walked to my door covered in sweat, with a high probability that I had cheesecake oozing from my pores. I got the mail and finally found the magazine I had ordered (like six months ago!) from Adam's niece to support her local Girl Scout Troop. Those dang Girl Scouts. They did not have music magazines, like "Spin" or "Rolling Stone", nor was I able to renew my current cooking magazines. So I decided on something new - a magazine called "Fitness". I am glad it finally came, because I was wondering where my "Girl Scout magazine" was, but I could not actually remember which magazine I had ordered. This makes the complaint a bit difficult. I imagined I would be on the phone making angry accusations to the Girl Scouts, and when they tried to correct the problem by re-ordering, I would admit I had no idea what I was supposed to get.

The headline at the top of the September 2009 Issue of Fitness: "Love your Booty". It includes a "You Can Do It" section which provides a workout intended to make me look skinny in jeans. We shall see, Fitness. We shall see.

Today, me and my ass traversed to the basement gym at the office (incident free due to lack of children at work). I counted the gym as a bonus during my interview, but I have never used it in the five months I have been with the company. So I was a little nervous about carrying a magazine in there and doing my little routine. But it was either this or purchase one of those rubber ball thingies. My apartment is crowded enough with sporting equipment. So, to the gym I went, hoping that there would not be many people there.

The workout itself did not appear too difficult - a series of ten exercises which I was to repeat. I managed to complete all the moves, but as I type, I can feel the pain beginning to set in. It has started in the biceps, moved to the shoulders and upper back. I got up to pee, and felt a slight twang in the hips. This is not good. I may have trouble moving in the morning.

Dang Girl Scouts.


Tiffany said...

Prevention magazine did that to me...the exercises look so simple...and truly feel the pain. Sounds like you used the stability fav exercise is active sitting...just sitting on the ball the girl (who hurt my neck) claims there is a workout plan I can live with:-)

Babe in Babeland said...

You are so funny! I needed a good laugh, thank you. :-)

I thought you were going to blame the Girl Scout COOKIES...which are so frickin' good I always eat about 10 at a time...

Anyway, I hope you feel better soon. And I'm sure your ass is gonna look great!

Tiffany said...