The Three Hour Diet

After deliberation, denial, debate, and ultimate acceptance, I have come to admit that I am ready to diet once again.  I actually decided this a few days after Thanksgiving (of course AFTER, I am not totally nuts), and I started to blog about it before.  But dieting is just not fun, and not funny, and my blogs were super booorring.  I have spared you, my (hopefully) Constant Reader, a blog about setting up a spreadsheet, another one about the joys of egg white omelets (painfully short), and a rather long-winded complaint about how beer and brownies are so very hard to plan into a spreadsheet unless one has unlimited energies to run on treadmills.  Which, by the way, are also boring.

But man, I gotta suck it up and try to "Grin and Baer It".  Dieting IS fun, and funny...if you put your mind to it.  A few chocolatinis probably wouldn't hurt either.  So, here's hoping my Constant Readers are drunker than I am:

Diet Attempt #1 (approximately three hours before defeat was admitted): the 28-Day Detox Diet.

I came across this little gem while I was cleaning.  I searched for room on my crowded bookshelf, and found a little book called "The 28 Day Plan".  It's one of those mini-books that are strategically arranged along the bookstore line (or queue as this very British book would call it).  Alas, I am a sucker for the crap they set out out there. 

The book has a picture of a skinny chick doing a handstand on the beach, so naturally, I bonded with her as this is so like me.  Inside, there are four plans lasting 28-days each, all of which are intended to help a person feel and look better.  I started with Plan #1, the Detox Diet.

It consists of a list of foods that can be eaten:  fruits, vegetables, seeds, fish, and "non-dairy products" which includes a bunch of soy/almond milks and yogurts.  Foods to avoid?  Everything else.  And oranges for some reason. 

It then lists drinks that can be consumed:  water, juice.  Since this does not take up enough space on the page, they elaborate with drink recipes.  For instance, there is "apple juice":  Place apple in juicer, drink juice. And there is "grapefruit juice":  Peel grapefruit, place in juicer, drink juice.  "Carrot juice":  Put carrots in juicer, drink juice.  Last, there is "Peach juice":  Peaches, juicer, drink.  At no point is it suggested that the juices be mixed, or say, purchased at a store.  Drinks to avoid?  Alcohol, coffee, "fizzy drinks" and anything which is not juice or water.

I looked at the mug of coffee I had poured to sip while I read about my New Diet.

I took another sip.

Next section - planning.  It was in this section that I really began to enjoy the "Britishiness" of the writing style.  So upbeat, yet telling me in a round about way that this diet is going to be arduous and awful.  Like the tips on how to succeed on the Program:  1.  Adopt a positive attitude from the beginning, 2.  Stay focused and remember why you are doing this, 3.  Regard each day as a new challenge.

In the planning section, I was told that I would be in luck if I hate cooking, because most of my food should be eaten raw.  Yippie!

Next section:  exercise and relaxation.  This is where I am told that exercise is good for me and should be fun, and then it lists "housework" as an exercise.  "Its official", it claims, "A vigorous burst of housework can be as good for you as a trip to the gym."  Well great!  No volleyball for me tonight guys!  I'm gonna scrub the toilet!  Woo-hoo!

I took another sip of coffee.

Another exercise listed is "Bouncing".  They suggest jumping on a mini-trampoline in my living room, where I can "bounce in time to the rhythm" of my favorite music.  A picture of a well-endowed woman bouncing on her knees with arms extended accompanies this one.

Finally, it gets to the "relaxation".  Here, it is suggested that I exfoliate my dry skin every day with a skin brush, and that I take some time daily to soak in an epsom salt bath.  Also, if it has been a long time since I had a "jolly good laugh"  I should "hire a comedy video" and enjoy a few chuckles.

So, that's about it.  Eat nothing good, drink nothing exciting, and practice deep breathing regularly.  The following pages are suggestions on how to implement this simple plan.  It begins with some suggested recipes, including, of course, juice (mixed together!) and porridge.  Porridge?  Did I miss a "grains" section in the "Foods I am Allowed To Eat" section?  I flipped back to discover that "eat only foods from this list" apparently means, "eat mostly foods from this list."  Suddenly, the diet had potential.

My enthusiasm waned slightly when I got to the dessert recipes and found that "Strawberry Delight" is soy milk yogurt with strawberries on top.  Joy.  Turns out I had already eaten "Banana Bliss" before I poured my coffee.

I considered a second cup.

Last, a "typical day on the detox diet" is laid out.  As you will see, even a working woman or a busy mother at home will seamlessly incorporate the plan into her daily life.

7:00am - Drink hot water with lemon or lime juice and then invigorate skin with a dry skin brush followed by a shower.

8:00am - Breakfast of muesli (again with the grains) over soy yogurt.

9:00am - Give yourself a facial.

11:00am - Time for relaxation and breathing.  You know, since you have been working so hard all morning.

1:00pm - Lunch, eaten slowly, which will give it more time to digest.

2:00pm - Relax for a while.  After all, you have earned it.  Read a book or watch TV.  Then, go for a brisk walk.

4:00pm - Time for pampering before you prepare your evening meal.  Give yourself a massage and drink some herbal tea (not on the allowed drink list, which is becoming more and more flexible and will soon include Jack and Coke.)

6:00pm - Evening meal of steamed vegetables.  Mmmm...

7:00pm - Visualization.  Sit in a quiet room and think positive thoughts.

8:00pm - Pleasant aromatherapy bath.

That's it!  Sounds pretty good in the end part there, does it not?  Oh, and the next 28 days?  Should be spent in almost exactly the same way.  So, just have Jeeves take care of the cleaning, and send the children to Mumsie's for the next few months.  You may want to get your workplace to hire an intern - one that can perform massages a plus - to take care of your next few projects, as you will be in the bathtub.

I actually did make it through the first few hours - I had a nice skin brush and shower, and I drank most of a cup of hot lemon juice.  The skin brush was totally awesome and I have been doing it every day since.  This is the first winter I haven't rubbed myself raw with itchiness.  Unfortunately, I had to go grocery shopping, get the car oil changed, rake up about a bazillion leaves from the yard, and paint a shed ramp that day.  And Jeeves was off.