Home Cookin'

The directions on the box: Bring water and milk to a boil; add rice and seasoning packet. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 20-25 minutes, uncovered, stirring frequently.

My (apparent) interpretation: Bring water and milk to a boil over front burner; add rice and seasoning packet. Turn rear burner to low and watch as rice boils rapidly. Wonder if rice has some sort of "rapid boil additive" and resolve to ask food scientist brother if such a thing exists and, if so, how it works. Stir rarely.

Part 2 of the directions: Remove rice from burner and keep warm. Saute garlic and red pepper in oil for 30 seconds; add spinach and rice. Cook and stir for 3 minutes. In a separate bowl, whisk 10 eggs with milk. Add to rice mixture and stir quickly to distribute ingredients. Reduce heat to low and cover for 30-35 minutes. Top with cheese and tomato slices.

My interpretation: Remove rice from burner and place cheapo plastic spoon over piping hot pan. Saute garlic for 10 seconds, then open wrong side of container and dump at least 2 times the recommended amount of red pepper flakes into oil. Saute for 1-2 minutes until garlic is brown and sticking to pan. Add spinach and rice. Use slightly soft cheapo plastic spoon to scrape rice from edges. Read directions approximately 4 times to guarantee that yes, it does indeed require 10 eggs. Beat eggs with milk, add to rice and spinach. Reduce heat on correct burner and set timer. Before retiring to play Wii, put remaining eggs into specially designed refrigerator door holder, and be sure to drop one of them under the fridge. Use dustpan to scrape raw egg from under fridge, and wipe up remaining goo using kitchen cleaner. Retire (finally) to Wii game, but be sure to ignore timer in favor of winning game. Find pause button after pressing every possible button on controller, and return to kitchen where delicious, slightly burnt frittata sits in pan, complete with slightly chewy rice and trace amounts of plastic/teflon.

Skip the cheese since you forgot to shred it. Ditto on the tomato, since you forgot to buy one at the store.

Nothin' beats home cookin' eh?