Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Cider House Blues

My apologies, Constant Reader(s).  I had the next topic all thought up - as you probably guessed, a continuation of my ever more desperate attempts to reconcile my inconclusive sleep disorder - but I got writers block again.  So, the sleep story will have to wait until it is ready to be told.  I, apparently, am not in control.

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Last Thursday, I sat at my desk running calculations on a concrete beam, trying to decide how to support an existing structure while this beam is removed and replaced.  Truly, I was deep into it, really focused on my work.  Or not.

Suddenly, I realized.  I forgot the cider that my Dad had brought last Saturday.  This, I surmised, was the explanation for the slightly sweet and slightly sour smell that currently emanated from the interior of my vehicle.  Bummer.

I immediately emailed my Dad to tell him.  Perhaps he would buy more cider and drive two hours to deliver it.  Perhaps we would work out an elaborate Cider Scheme, for I cannot go an entire Fall without this cider.  He gets it from his neighbors, who press the apples, add nothing to them, and put the results in gallon jugs at the end of their driveway.  This is not grocery store cider.  Oh lament, and alas!  Surely, he would be as distraught as I was!

"Bummer," he writes back.  Yeah.
That's what I thought.

I learned some little known facts this week:

Fact #1.  We all know that fermenting cider turns to vinegar.  But, do most of you know that fermenting cider that is alternately heated during the day, then cooled down at night, in a thin plastic jug, will produce enough gas to break the jug?

Fact #2.  We all know that one can attract more flies with honey than with vinegar.  But, it turns out one can attract plenty of flies with vinegar.  As I emptied the now half empty jug, a swarm of fruit flies was disturbed from its breeding ground.  It was at that point that I officially decided the cider was probably better not to drink.

Fact #3.  Breathing in a combination of vinegar and fruit flies is surprisingly less unpleasant than breathing in the smell of the decaying squirrel that got caught under my tire a few years back.

Fact #4.  The smell of decaying squirrel pretty much goes away when said squirrel is hosed out.  The smell of vinegar lingers for much longer.

Fact #5.  The results are inconclusive on the effects of flea and tick shampoo on fruit flies.  I think I eradicated more of them by driving around with all four windows open.

Fact #6.  The smell of vinegar, wafting through the air via open car windows, attracts bees.  Bee #1 will come for an extensive search to find the source of the smell, and finding nothing but a timid human swatting carefully at it with an ice scraper, it will send for a second Bee to aid in the search.


I hate bees.

And I will now have to make a special trip to Pennsylvania, just to get my Cider Fix.

Bummer.

1 comment:

Danielle Mari said...

This made me actually laugh out loud. Not the LOL that people so blithely text with terribly straight faces. But an actual, out-loud, guffaw. And it also made me flash back to the Great Forgotten Bag of Potatoes in the Bottom Back of the Pantry debacle of 95 that will forever be the stuff of my nightmares.

Hope you're able to recover without massively expensive therapy.

PS- Could this actually be related to your sleep issues? Either causally or er... effectively?