Thursday, May 5, 2011

What I Expect When You're Expecting

Disclaimer for any random googler trying to find true medical advice:  All information below is based on hearsay, speculation, anecdotal evidence, and episodes of Friends.  I am not a medical professional, and, in fact, think that most things medical are  "icky".

This post is in honor of my many friends who are pregnant or who have had babies, most recently my friend Madeleine (healthy baby boy born Tuesday), and Maria (due this fall).

I have never been "preggers" but I have about a billion friends who have experienced the joy of pre-motherhood.  I find my knowledge has expanded exponentially as I learn something new from each mommy-to-be.  I do not plan on using this knowledge firsthand (sorry mom), so I figure I will pass it on to you, my Constant Readers.

Frequently Asked Questions:

How Did You Know I Was Preggers?
7.  You stopped trying to quit smoking, and you quit smoking.
6.  You said you had a headache and could not attend a beerfest, despite attending one the year before with a headcold.
5.  You refuse to eat soft cheese.  I am not sure why.
4.  You quit my volleyball/football/(insert sport here) team.
3.  You are suddenly nauseated by Chick-fil-A, Subway, pretty much all fast food places, grocery stores, and the gym.
2.  You stop going to the gym.
AND the number one way to tell you are Preggers:  You order a sprite when everyone else orders margaritas.

When Should I Tell Friends that I am Preggers?
Ummm....hello?  We already know.  So you might as well get it over with early.  You may keep us in the dark about the baby's name or sex (though you will not get very cute clothes for your baby should you choose this as all the cutest clothes are ridiculously gender-specific.)

What Should I Expect When I'm Expecting:
6.  Almost everyone is "high risk" so don't take it personally.  If you are over 35, having twins, have high blood pressure, have diabetes, blue eyes, or excellent insurance, you are "high risk."
5.  You may experience high blood pressure while you are pregnant even if you do not normally have issues.  This will make you high risk.
4.  You may get rashes, zits, swollen feet, and varicose veins.
3.  You may suddenly have an urge to eat a Slim Jim even if you have never had one before.
2.  You may have to go on "bedrest" which sounds awesome until you find yourself in a bed on your birthday playing Scrabble for the 20th time that day. 
1.  Expect the unexpected.  Some of the unexpected things can be joyous (I never had morning sickness!) or scary (my test results were abnormal so they had us do more tests and wait for weeks and then it was fine) or downright sad.  But you'll always have your friends to help you through.

Should I Have an Epidural?
Some people do and some people don't.  Do your research and make the choice that's right for you.  I'll support you either way.  This also goes for your child's name (even if it's Bear Baer), your child's diet, your child's circumcision or baptism or whatever else.  I solemnly promise to be ok with whatever and to not offer advice unless you ask for it.

I also solemnly swear to buy your baby toys that make obnoxious noises.


Tiffany said...

tehe I like the last line best:-)

ape2016 said...

I love you are high risk if you have excellent insurance!! So true, and if you had lousy insurance like I did, they want to make you bite a stick while pushing a baby out in a field, but there are laws.