Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Where Have I Been?

I have been... for jeans.  Ugh.  It is painfully apparent that my generation is no longer "in".  Thus, we are not the target audience for today's fashions.  My generation has lived through the eighties.  We wore blue eye shadow, and tied our faux pearl necklaces into knots.  We folded up the cuffs of our acid wash jeans the "cool way".  We had Swatch watches and big hair, and we donned more than one pair of pastel colored socks all bunched up.

We learned our lesson.

In my quest for jeans I have gone to store after store, not realizing that the fashion gods have once again decided that "skinny jeans" are a sensible trend for a country overtaken by obesity.  Perhaps it is an indirect ploy to get America dieting again, but trust me:  the interim is not going to be pretty.  It will consist of millions of fat people in stretchy pants.

I am strongly in favor of a simple system wherein we downplay the awfulness of our most prominent body parts by drawing attention to parts that aren't so bad.  I long for the days when jeans were larger at the shins, thus making the thighs look thin by comparison. 

But the days of sensible fashion are apparently in our past.  I figure I can go with the flow, but I maintain my stubborn refusal to buy anything larger than a size 12.  I have been to more stores than I want to admit, taking my 12's from the rack - no use even pretending a 10 might fit past mid calf.  Calmly, I have exhaled all oxygen from my body and attempted to tuck sections of butt flab back below the pantline before beginning the sit test.

For you men out there (how I envy you!):  the sit test is why those benches are placed in dressing rooms.  Oh, since you don't need to try things on (you suck!), trust me - there are benches in dressing rooms.  A lady who has decided that her potential purchase is, in fact, zipable without causing excessive* numbness in her lower extremities, will then need to test her range of mobility.  Thus, she will attempt to bend her knees and sit on the bench without ripping the potential purchase.  Assuming this is successful, she will carefully examine herself in the mirror checking for malfunctions.

A common malfunction in my case is the butt crack, hangin' out for the world to see.  Another one is the shins, revealed when the pantleg creeps inexplicably above the knee.  Somehow, jeans that were the correct length in the standing position are approximately four inches shorter on each end when sitting.  A girl has to look very carefully for these and any number of malfunctions, flaws, and deformities.

After a long and arduous search, I am proud to say that I have purchased a pair of jeans.

I tore off the price tags and modeled them proudly for Adam.  "What do you think?" I asked.

"They look a little tight," he said.

This is why a girl should never ask what her man thinks.

* minor numbness is unavoidable

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