Foxes and Turtles and Gophers - Oh My!

Ahh, my lunch time jaunts are not what they used to be. I toil across busy streets and concrete sidewalks no longer. The honking cars and buses armed with emissions are beasts of the past. While I still see plenty of people, not one has asked me for a cigarette or bus fare. So nice.

Recently, I have begun straying from the landscaped paths around the new office park. Instead, I walk the edge of the property, which is lined by an area of dense trees and unfortunately very stickery-laden shrubbery. Breathing in the sweet, woodsy smell combined with fresh cut grass, I stroll happily during my break.

Today, I stopped short after my first deep inhalation. I spotted a fox, who was apparently enjoying his own lunch in the middle of the field. At first, I thought this was cool, until I realized that he could bite. He had noticed me, and was staring very suspiciously in my direction. Despite sending telepathic messages that I had no intentions of stealing his meal, he began to take a few steps towards the woods. I realized that my plan was to walk directly in between the fox and his dead thing. Not good. I considered changing directions. Then I thought, "No! I am human! The most feared of all the animals!!" Armed with the knowledge that he was more scared of me than I of him, I confidently pulled out my cell phone. My devious plan if he decided to attack: to kick him, and, if he was successful at biting me, to call 911. Ha ha! Take that! No wonder we humans are the superior race!

By this time, Mr. Fox had decided to hide in the woods, and I was approaching the area where he was no doubt hiding beneath a sticker-laden shrub with his own devious plan in mind. Perhaps he even had his little paw hovering over the "send" button, with 3-6-9 (FOX) already typed in. A hint of fear closed over me, but I pushed it away - foxes can smell fear, I think. I also decided a bit of stomping was in order, so that he would know I am much bigger than he is. I successfully navigated my way past Mr. Fox without incident.

I continued to walk, noting that raspberries appeared to be ripening, as dragonflies zipped to and fro in front of me. Again, I stopped short. I had spotted a groundhog (some folks call them gophers). This little guy was not as observant as Mr. Fox, which possibly explains the prevalence of his brethren along road sides. He had not noticed me at all. A portly fellow, he was peacefully munching some clover. Again, I considered a route-reversal, but as I am human and obviously smarter than him, I decided again to plow on. Still, I didn't want to startle him. I know groundhogs are not aggressive, but I was only about 8 feet from him, and I wasn't sure what he'd do if he thought I was planning on eating him. I decided some stomping, again, was in order. I jumped twice as heavily as I could, and the groundhog responded quickly by running into his borough. Wha-ha-ha! I am so clever! I successfully navigated past the home of Mr. Gopher without incident.

La-dee-dah, I walked a bit further to a nice grassy area where I planned to lie and read. As I began to lower my substantial and infamous rear to the ground, I stopped short. Again. A turtle shell, presumably with turtle inside, was nestled neatly in the grass. Finally, an animal I did not fear! In fact, I hoped Mr. Turtle would come out of his shell and be my friend. Unfortunately, I am aware that turtles are notorious carriers of Salmonella, so I was hesitant to touch him. I thought perhaps, if I nudged him gently with my shoe, he might come out of his shell. Nudge nudge. Nada. I guess Mr. Turtle was napping. Or dead. Whatever. I navigated a little way past Mr. Turtle, and carefully plopped to the grass without incident.

I read my book with cell phone nestled nearby in the grass. I still had a watchful eye on Mr. Fox's lunch, and I hoped Mr. Turtle might wake up. After a bit, it began to rain a tad, so I got up, lifted my cell phone, and stopped short. There, below the phone, was a spider much larger than I am comfortable with, complete with egg-sac. Yikes! He was obviously afraid of me, because he was doing his best to blend into the grass and remain still. I took a picture of Mr. Spider and decided to go to the parking lot for the walk to the office. I had my fill of wildlife for the day. Ironically, Mr. Spider was probably the most deadly...but he posed for his picture without incident.

Unfortunately...I don't see Mr. Spider in this. He was blending into the grass pretty well. But believe me: he wasHUGE!

Carrying a Concealed Umbrella

Yesterday, I took my (ahem) "daily" lunchtime walk, when a cop car came driving toward me. I am not sure all people feel uncomfortable when passing a cop, but I do. My mind begins to race: should I look at him? Should I look away? Do I look guilty? Why should I look guilty? I am not committing a crime...unless "carrying a concealed umbrella is a crime." Hahahahah, my inner self nervously laughs. The car passes. I opt for "smile and look", and his window is down. He looks a bit like the cop in the beginning of Terminator 2, who turns out to be an evil Terminator sent to destroy sweet Ah-nold. I wonder if I was just passed by a police impersonator. And I make a mental note to google "carrying a concealed umbrella" when I return to the office. Hey, it beats work.

Phew! Carrying a concealed umbrella does not appear to be a crime based on my extremely extensive 10 minute research.

However...the umbrella can be used as a weapon. Oh yes. In fact, a company actually markets an umbrella specifically designed to beat the tar out of a watermelon. So don't say you've never learned anything on my blog...

...unless you already knew that. I will be wary the next time I see a cop holding an umbrella in broad daylight.

Punting the Posterior

Can I just say: I am kicking ass today. That is, my ass. And in a good way, not like, in a fall down the stairs kind of way.
So: Yesterday was the last day of my wonderful, wonderful "staycation". It is what it sounds like - I was home for nearly an entire week, doing nothing. By nothing, I mean: reading, sleeping (a lot), doing laundry (like 6 loads. Really.), leisurely choosing recipes to cook, buying the ingredients, and cooking, and, of course, spending time increasing my BMI according to the Wii Fit. Surprisingly few calories are burned when 90 percent of your day is spent sleeping or watching movies.
But all good things come to an end, and I think I was actually ready. Not excited. Not like "yay, it's the first day of school and I hope I get a good locker/homeroom kind of ready, but, lets say, prepared. Last night, I packed my gym bag, measured out oatmeal for breakfast each day, updated my diet spread sheet, and even poured my water for the morning. I hunkered down with my new book (second of the year already! Of course, I won't have that kind of time for a while...). I read, I slept, I got up. And carpe diem, I went out there and said "World, gimme whacha got!" (Sidebar: I'm not too good wit' spellin' out the slang...)
Normally, I return from a vacation to find 15 messages on the phone, like a bazillion emails, and even a few faxes from the old-timers. Also, there tend to be things piled on my chair. These represent things that other people have done for me while I was busy lounging, or things that I must do immediately upon return. I had two items today - one something someone had done for me, and another I thought someone had done for me. I filed these items in my recycling bin, and was reminded via exclamation point infested email with bold red text that it most certainly had not been done for me. I was pretty close to getting the ALL CAPS email. No harm done, by the way. Some people just get a little nutty with the punctuation.
Returning to my awesomeness:
1. I actually ate my oatmeal. Normally, I bring it and then fill up on sugar laden coffee all morning. By lunch I am, of course, ravenous, and not all that interested in the sensible meal I packed for myself. I then follow my nose to the nearest burrito joint. (Sidebar 2: They are putting in a Chipolte across the street - which increases quantity of burrito joints within walking distance to TWO. This has potential for my demise. And rumors are circulating that an Arby's is soon to follow. Can you say Jamocha shake? My demise is imminent.)
2. I actually walked at lunch. Often, I look at the clock and see lunchtime began 15 minutes ago, and then I see the daily sudoku waiting for a supergenius such as myself to begin filling in the blanks. I then take my puzzle with me as I follow my nose to the nearest burrito joint.
3. I remembered to run errands, such as to the bank, to the store, and to the pharmacy for the prescriptions I ordered a week ago. Many times, these mundane tasks are penciled in for "later" because I would rather enjoy my puzzle at the burrito joint.
4.Normally, I begin a task only find that I had accomplished nothing despite being very busy for 8 hours. Today, I was the epitome of efficiency. I do not expect this nugget of efficiency to last, though my method was effective: if I thought of something to do while in the middle of something else, I wrote it down. Duh.
5. I added "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" and "Quantum of Solace" to my Netflix queue. The ability to add movies to the queue while they are still in the theater is not a new feature of the site, just something I have been kicking myself for not doing each time I receive something like "Monty Python's And Now For Something Different". Never heard of it, you say? There's a reason for that. I have one o' my blogging peeps to thank for the reminder, since she wrote a review of the Button movie as her post. (I added Hamlet 2 also.) Unfortunately, I just don't feel movies are worth the uber-expensive experience in the theater unless they are action-packed or full of cool special effects. And even when they do meet the criteria (i.e. Quantum of Solace), we are often too busy to make it there. (Sidebar 3: While searching for the Bond movie, I found collections of "Quantum Leap" on DVD. Ahh, Scott Bakula, so under-rated. Need I tell you that these also found their way to my queue?)

Beware of Bird

Each day, I walk for exercise during lunch, and despite my hiatus from the spreadsheet, I am continuing with this practice. (Though I walked to Subway...) Anyway, on the way there, I found this:
In case you cannot read it: "Attention all employees: We have received calls from several employees stating that they have been accosted by a bird outside of the front entrance. These birds aggressively defend their territory, even against much larger birds. Please be attentive to your surroundings when using the front path to cross Joppa Road. Perhaps it would be in your best interest to cross over to the Glory Days side of the road or to use your car to access any of the eateries close by. Thanks for your cooperation."

I have walked this path many times in the last few weeks and have never seen this apparent menace, and I decided I was not going to be bullied by a bird. However, this sign had similar affects as "Terror Levels" or airport security notices, and I nearly flipped out when a finch landed nearby: Despite his bad-ass mohawk, bitchin' tattoo, and bling, I passed by unharmed.

Tasty Ignorance

Oh poop. They say that ignorance is bliss, and this is certainly true of food. For the past few weeks, I have blissfully taken an extra long Friday walk to the Rita's Water Ice located not too close but not too far from the office. Each time, I have happily ordered a regular ice - without the oh so tempting custard. On my spreadsheet, I respectfully decline to log this tasty treat and figure that the long walk will cancel out the indulgence. Like it never happened. After all, it is just flavored water! Guilt free and fat free.

Of course, I knew in my heart of hearts that it was loaded with sugar. Why else would it taste so good? Well, I will not ruin this for you, constant reader. Suffice it to say, my math is a little off, and the walking does not do enough to offset the damage. But, there ARE worse things to eat and that makes all the difference. I urge you to remain ignorant!

In the meantime, I will take one for the team and try the "sugar-free" version. I will report back next week with my findings....if I survive...

Stopping to Smell the Roses

On my extra long walk today, I took a route which winds around a school and past a little garden area. Lately, I have noticed that while walking past this particular spot, I would sense the odor of something very near raw sewage. I discovered today that the source is not sewage, but these innocent looking flowers. That’s right – these flowers smell like my butt. (This is not intended as a compliment to my butt. That is perhaps a blog entry best left untyped.)

I thought that I should do a little research on the plant, so that I could warn people. As a recent recipient of a free “Better Homes and Gardens” subscription, I realized that people put a lot of thought into the planning of their gardens. Having neither a home nor a garden, I was surprised to learn how much work is involved. So I can just imagine it – an unwitting home/garden owner decides to plant these stink weeds as the backdrop to their carefully landscaped masterpiece, only to discover their repulsive resemblance to refuse.

It turns out that these are a species of Hydrangea (hydrangea arborescens to be exact), and hydrangeas are actually a plant that I like. Of course, the ones I like come in white, pink, purple, or blue, and do not, so far as I can remember, smell like a butt.

So, all you gardeners out there - be sure to plant the lovely Hydrangea macrophylla, or perhaps the intriguing Hydrangea paniculata which has cannabis like effects when smoked (let me know how that turns out) and NOT the stinky and pollen infested hydrangea arborescens.

Maybe I should stick to weight loss research for the future??

Walk the Line

If you haven’t heard all the hype about how walking improves your health, you are likely some sort of sea urchin or micro-organism without the benefit of television, radio, internet, magazines, books, or Oprah. Being a non-urchin, I too fell prey to the hype and began walking at least 4 times a week, 30 minutes at a time. Unfortunately, I added this goal the third week of the year. When it’s cold. And windy.
I thought it would take a lot of self control to stick to this, and so I decided a reward program was in order. For every four days of walking, I would earn a CD. So, I began.

Thus far, I have been relatively successful. I have weathered the cold and the wind, and I am enjoying the occasional whiff of spring these days. But I have learned a few lessons along the way which I have graciously decided to pass on to you, Constant Reader:

#1: There are not that many good CD’s available these days. My first few purchases were great: I got an excellent Neil Young and Crazy Horse release “Live at Fillmore East”, and the new Radiohead CD “In Rainbows” among others. But problems arose when I wanted to buy the new Kula Shaker CD, and the music store did not have the band listed in their database. Similarly with a Particle CD. The end result was that I bought a Herbie Hancock album which showed promise of rocking, and…it didn’t. I then bought another album that was a waste of money, and I realized that I just don’t want a new CD every week. I guess the point is that there is such a thing as too much of a good thing, and you need to make your rewards a little more accommodating. It’s got to be relatively inexpensive since you’ll be buying it once a week, and not a detriment to the overall goal of losing weight (i.e. Tastykakes are not a good reward).

#2: Let yourself off the hook when confronted with precipitation. One Friday (a CD day), I emerged from my windowless cubicle and squinted at a gently falling snow in the parking lot. I decided to walk anyway, since it was not snowing much. Correction: it was not snowing much for a quick trip to the car, but for a half hour jaunt, it was snowing plenty. It took 3 hours for my pants to dry. Good thing that was the Neil Young week, or I would have been upset.

#3: Cover your ears. Yes, those headband things look silly, hoods block the vision, and many hats look ridiculous. Wear them anyway. Your ears may fall off otherwise. Seriously, it’s really painful.

#4: Bring a pair of sneakers. Again, even I know it’s unfashionable to wear sneakers with casual business attire. But I have nearly sprained an ankle on more than one occasion when I forgot to change my shoes.

#5: Wear headphones. Not only did I read that people who walked while listening to music benefited more, (I think they walked faster, or something) but there is the added benefit of not having to talk to people while you walk. I know this is uninviting to my fellow man, but honestly, most of the people who attempt to talk to me on my walks are a) offering me a ride, b) asking for directions to places directly in front of my face, but which I have never noticed before, forcing me to shrug my shoulders in ignorance, c) asking for bus change and/or cigarettes, and d) barking at me (presumably these little critters are dogs, but I have my suspicions.) So, don’t feel like you are missing much by enjoying a few tunes as you stroll.

All in all, I really enjoy my walks and I find that the walk is its own reward these days. It is a good time to get away from work and think about nothing for a while, and I usually feel refreshed. The hardest part was getting started.