Jelly Belly

I found out the hard way that Pole Dancing is not my forte. The classes were too free-form. Instructions to "Practice Being Sexy" are not specific enough; the "sexy spins" cause minor nausea; and much of the art is dependent on upper arm strength. It is too hard AND too easy at the same time.

On the other hand, there is Belly Dancing. All I can say is: Finally. Yes, it is about time that I have found an activity in which an over sized posterior is an asset. With minimal wiggle, my body responds with maximum jiggle. One could say I am a natural.

First, we learned the "Omi", which is simply moving the hips in a circle. My hours of Wii Hula Hoop have made me an expert at this move, and so I was able to move on with relative ease to the "Figure 8". As the name implies, this move is accomplished by tracing a figure 8 with your hips. It is a little easier to do the figure 8 in one direction than the other. I am a "left 8", but the "right 8" is not too difficult. A more challenging move is the "Vertical Figure 8" in which the hips rotate up and down to trace the figure 8. We learned a few other moves, and then practiced doing the omi very very quickly - until it becomes a "shimi". I found this very difficult to do correctly, but this is where my jiggle became an asset. I was totally able to fake the shimi with amazingly little effort.

It will probably come as a surprise to my readers to learn that the hardest move (judging by the abilities of the whole class) was the "Snake Arms". The dominant hand has no trouble performing the move. The hand seems to float on air as the arm moves gracefully up and down. The non-dominant hand appears drunk as the hand juts out from the arm sharply and stabs at the air. I found that with a bit more concentration on my non-dominant hand, I was able to perform the snake arms with few problems. I am pretty ambidextrous in my daily life, and I have designated "chores" for each arm rather than letting just one arm have all the fun. Most of my classmates, however, tended to have one lovely snake arm, and one zombie arm.

Belly dancing is definitely closer to what I was looking for in the realm of exotic dancing fitness. The class was more structured than pole dancing, and fun. The workout was about the equivalent of a brisk walk - not a huge calorie-burner, but enough to get the metabolism going (I hope). My only regret: I got to class just as it was about to begin, and I didn't get there early enough to don a complimentary wrap of bangles. The teacher said they are available online for $9.99, but I am not quite ready to make that commitment. I just hope to get there earlier next time.

Pole Dancing: Level 1

Beginner Pole Dancing was a snap. With relative ease, my sister and I had mastered the “sexy walk” and several of its sexy counterparts. The web site had claimed that the class would be a workout, but it was not strenuous enough for me to put it on my diet sheet as a negative calorie activity. I desperately need negative calorie activities, because my positive calories are getting a bit out of control. So, without further ado, we attempted “Pole Dancing: Level 1”.

The Level 1 class began with a short refresher on “sexy walking” and moved right on to “sexy slides”. We had learned a sexy slide in the beginner class, but it turns out there are many variations. Unfortunately, I do not remember the terminology, and though I assume everything is sexy, I have attributed the following names myself. (I figure you may wish to know this so as not to embarrass yourself when discussing career moves with your local pole dancing representative.)

Slide #1: The “Kinky Kick”: Position yourself with back to pole, gripping above the head with one hand and behind the back with the other. Gracefully point your toe, and slide your foot up the other leg’s shin to the knee. Then gracefully straighten your pointed toe leg, and lift it as high as possible. Repeat two more times, then, with leg still extended, release your grip on the pole enough to slide to the floor.

Slide #2: The "Slip N' Slide": This is really just a simple slide down the pole, one leg out in front, and the other just bending at the knee. Our instructor had a way of making it graceful, almost accidental, like "Oops, did I just sexily land myself on the floor? I better writhe around a little bit and get back up."

I am becoming a pro at slides.

But then we moved on to "Sexy Spins". A little background for the few of my Constant Readers who have not had the privilege of watching me vomit - and before you recoil in disgust, note that I have actually puked on a few of you, so count your blessings if you are a mere observer: I do not bode well with certain amusement park rides. Most notably, the "Tilt a Whirl" (or Tilt A Hurl), and the aptly named "Hell Hole" have left me incapacitated for hours. So, while our instructor demonstrated various ways to gracefully grip the pole and rotate around it, my sister and I flung ourselves at the pole in order to gain momentum with little actual strength. We zipped quickly around the pole at hyper-speeds. While our instructor conveyed a deliberate, "Look at me, I'm so hot and beautiful" kind of message, I conveyed more of a "Holy crap! I better hold on to this pole so as not to fly off of it!" kind of message. And I felt lunch returning for a second go-around. Very un-sexy.

Next, we again attempted a few body lifts on the pole. I succeeded in a slight hop, and I did not manage to lift myself at all. Our instructor hops up on the pole, and flips herself upside down. She does some sexy things with her legs, slides part way down, and then rights herself before sliding sexily to the ground. My sister and I look at one another. Ummm...are we still in the Level 1 Class?

On to the Next Adventure!

For Christmas, my sister decided to (get me back) return the favor for the Bikram Yoga classes I bought her. That's right. She got me (gulp) exotic dancing classes. Many of you unenlightened ladies out there are still planning to work out by walking on a treadmill, riding a stationary bike, or worse, running/biking outside. With nature. I know I know. You all plan to begin this regimen tomorrow. Right.

Well that's where exotic dancing comes in. It has the advantage of an excellent strength training workout, without the boring old boringness of "traditional" exercise. However, it was with trepidation that I perused the class schedule, which includes "pole dancing" (beginner, level 1, and level 2); "exotic floor and chair dancing", and "belly dancing". Eventually, I suppose we will try all three types of class, and so I chose "beginner pole dance" as class numero uno. I also read the website inside and out. Unlike Bikram, I hoped to be prepared for whatever potential embarrassment I might endure. Hence, I showed up to class with two pairs of high heels that looked semi-appropriate, a change of clothes, a yoga mat (?), and a bottle of water. Sounds like the contents of a sorority girl's purse on a Saturday night. Zing!

I stowed most of this (unnecessary) gear in a cubby, and entered the pole room, where sis and I each picked a pole situated near the back. Several other girls filtered in, chatting nervously as we awaited the adventure.

During class, we learn a few moves:
1. The "sexy walk" - lifting our legs high with pointed, elegant heels, we take deliberate steps around the pole. One hand rests gracefully on the pole, while the other hand does a
2. "sexy trace": Whenever we have a free hand, we are supposed to rub it elegantly over our decidedly unsleek bodies, up our necks, and under our hair. (Oops, note to self: pony tail is unsexy.)

On the bright side, this is all done at our own pace and is basically just exaggerated walking rather than dance. Except for my heels getting a bit caught up in my bell-bottomed yoga pants, I am relatively successful at completing the moves.

Next:
3. The "sexy turn" wherein we basically switch hands on the pole and walk in the other direction. Naturally, we are to remain sexy while doing this.
4. The "sexy leg lift" - we sexily imitate a male dog at a fire hydrant, and the
5. "better view", where we switch our leg position to the front of the pole, giving our imaginary audience behind us a look at the goods. (Next note to self - do not pick pole directly behind the instructor next time....then look at other participants. On second thought, perhaps this is a good position.)

We then stand in front of the pole, and grip it with one arm raised and the other low. We begin
6. the "sexy slide": In a decidedly unsexy manner, I attempt to mimic the instructor, who has gracefully crossed one leg beneath the other, and has slid to the ground with her bottom leg outstretched. I release the grip on the top hand and jerkily descend to the ground, landing with an audible thud. Several classmates have similar results.
7. Then, the floor exercises, which include "the sexy snake" and the "sexy cat". We lie on our stomachs in front of our poles and lift our torso while sexily bending one knee with an elegantly pointed heel and/or gyrating our hips. I look forward to see my sister's bum - gyrating. Luckily, I get her back when we reverse directions to work the other side.
8. As you probably guessed by now, we will certainly need to do something sexy in order to get back up. This is my favorite, and likely my most unsexy move: "the butterfly". We crouch hippy-style with the pole between our legs. I can't remember how we got to this position, but I assure you: it was sexy. Then, we flap our legs in and out (like butterfly wings), rising slightly higher with each "flap". We perform the "sexy trace" with one hand, and grasp the pole with the other. This definitely works out the thighs, abs, and butt. It is very difficult to maintain a sexy face when the body is in this much pain.
9. Last, we practice jumping up on the pole and suspending ourselves with arms bent and legs squeezed around the pole. I hold this position for nearly 2 seconds, but my sister is still hanging up there (sexily of course) for the duration of the exercise. We try again, and I manage about 2.5 seconds.

At the end, we do a full routine, in which all the moves are practiced. I actually manage the "sexy slide" in a nearly sexy manner.

Then we gathered our sexy things from our sexy cubbies. We got in our sexy cars and drove home in a sexy manner. This was not boring, and not hell. At this point, I like it better than Bikram, but I am not sure I am ready to ditch the spin classes.
Next lesson: Pole Dancing, Level 1.